My brother wrote some poems... (txt)

[Queen of Gondor]

Hey everyone! My brother wrote some poems, and he's interested in getting some other people's opinions on them, if you're so inclined to give them. Here they are:

Desecration of Me

Desecration tastes my touch
With all my being flows
As your words become my crutch
All but heaven knows

And as the angels lament my life
These moments seem so long
For with my death I bury strife
Redemption was my song

Sadness smiles upon our joy
And joy is what I’ve sought
But for myself there is no toy
Could replace your thought

For when the night shines below
With the sun beneath my lash
All my blood upon the snow
With scarlet stains my sash

As all might think me dead
Rethink your naïve trance
For I am trapped inside my head
Too soon for one to dance

As one thinks, I think alone
For outside I have no feel
I am caught inside my dome
Too far for one to heal

This will be my desperation
Of me my desecration
There is no incantation
Could relieve my captivation


How Many Stars Are There in the Sky

How many stars are there in the sky?
How many days for a human to die?
How many lovers till the love is too strong?
How many hours till the day is too long?

Where was the map when the road was lost?
Where was the gun when pain was the cost?
Where am I now, in this forest so deep?
Where is the secret I could not keep?

Who was the woman who kissed me all night?
Who was the friend that made it all right?
Who is the dreamer you loved and you caught?
Who is the man you saw in your thoughts?

What did you think when I lay in the bed?
What was the thought swirling your head?
What was the price I was willing to pay?
What was the point in making you stay?

How many stars are there in the sky?
How many days for a human to die?
How many lovers till the love is too strong?
How many hours till the day is too long?


Nightly Sacrifice

As a lamb on the altar
As a word on the tongue
The blade shall not falter
The hurt come undone

In the darkness I stand
Ready my call
Show me your hand
For night must fall

When evil begins strife
And anger builds up
The edge of a knife
And the blood in a cup

Hold me in health
Hold me in sorrow
For all of your wealth
The gods shall borrow

You’re spread on a table
You’re dying awake
As a hero in fables
Your life they will take

Where is the good
Where is the dark
We did what we could
This child is our mark

Remember me, love
Remember my name
For white is the dove
That soaks up my pain

My crucifix I wait
My mind is all gone
I live for my fate
My fate was all wrong

As a lamb on the altar
As a word on the tongue
The blade shall not falter
The hurt come undone


Tell Me That You Love Me

As a vision in my mind
I saw a mirror in your soul
Reflecting from the chaos
Was all but love gone cold

It was not too soon after
That I dreamt of you with me
The thought of being together
Felt like ecstasy

So tell me that you knew me
Tell me that you tried
Tell me that you felt me
When all my love had dried

It was when I felt your hands
Reaching for the stars
That I knew you felt me
Kissing all your scars

It wasn’t like the first time
It never felt this strange
I knew you were my lover
You really made me change

So never leave your message
For the world has not forgot
I wandered in my mind
But of you there was no thought

Wherever I am moving
I seem to be alone
No matter what they’re doing
My demons become known

So tell me that you knew me
Tell me that you tried
Tell me that you felt me
When all my love had dried

So why don’t you love me
My demons have all gone
I know that I love you
I told you I was wrong

I know about the others
They don’t hold me in their pain
I know that they loved you
Why hold me in the rain?

So tell me that you loved me
Tell me that you tried
Tell me that you felt me
When all my love had dried


My One Horse Road

Leavin’ my home an’ singin’ a song
Looking at the life that I made wrong
Why can’t I see what I’ve done wrong
Leavin’ this town while singin’ a song

Yellin’ at my shadow cuz’ I got no soul
Tryin’ hard to fight, but the punches won’t roll
Losin’ all my nerves, I reached the end
Went to get a drink with no money to spend

Walkin’ straight on a windin’ road
Waitin’ for my best friend but he never showed
Tearin’ up the asphalt on my one horse road
Headin’ to the weddin’ but I never showed

Lost all my money in the cab’s backseat
Ran from the barman and what a treat
Runnin’ down the street and I got away
Wished I finished my drink but I can’t stay

Leavin’ my home an’ singin’ a song
Looking at the life that I made wrong
Why can’t I see what I’ve done wrong
Leavin’ this town while singin’ a song


~Queenie~

[Primula]

Goodness, so many! I'll give it a whirl...


Desecration in intriguing, and well structured - the words flow pretty well for the cadence. It is a little confusing in the symbolism - perhaps stretching a bit for the sake of rhyme? (toy, sash, dance...?) It could use a little tightening up in that sense, but still has quite a lot of power in the expression given.

How Many Stars Are There in the Sky reminds me of something Bob Dylan would have come up with a tune for (How many roads...) - the repetition makes it a difficult read, but out loud with a bit of guitar and a chorus it might make a pretty decent country song. Well rhymed musing.

Nightly Sacrifice has the strongest imagery and emotional wallop of this selection. It follows a very simple structure, but the pictures painted by the words are, if anything, brought into starker relief by that very brevity. A bit haunting. Good job!

Tell Me That You Love Me is a little more 'unfinished' feeling than the others - an angsty, sorrowing image of a relationship gone wrong, or attempted to be set right too late. You may want to take this one and rework it a bit, perhaps try a longer line (more than 8 beats per) to smooth it out, combining or elaborating.

My One Horse Road - a grandly cowboyish country ballad, all it needs is a good guitar and a solid twang to round it out. This one should be set to music and drawled heartily. Good job!

[HobbitNaga]

I'll have to take an in-depth look at them later, but for now I can definitely say they were all pretty good. One thing your brother might need to look at though-poetry doesn't need to rhyme, and be careful of trying too hard just to fit the form/rhyme. Just my two cents, for now.