Write Your Own LOTR - TTT - Book IV

[Primula]

Frodo blinked, hardly able to believe his eyes as Sam's eyes grew larger even than his own. "Sam, how did you DO that?" he asked. Following Sam's bulging gaze he then realized what he had taken for some kind of moving hill (after all, wonders never cease and all that) was in fact a Very Large Heffalump-like Oliphaunty Creature. Grey as a mouse. Big as a House. Bigger, actually. The realization that one of Bilbo's old poems was TRUE shook him even more. If that poem was true, what about all the others? What if the one he'd written about the cat and the moon and all that bosh had actually happened? What if the Road really did go ever on and on and he and Sam were doomed for it to never, ever end? And on top of it all, had Sam really just said something about getting a tattoo on his foot?

Paralyzed by this blinding flash of disbelieving belief that he didn't know whether or not to believe, he failed to realize that behind the blinding flash there had appeared a number of Big People in forest-toned clothing (that would soon need to be updated to new 'forest' tones if they were to remain undetected - such as charcoal grey and black). Hollering about forest fires, they grabbed the hobbits where they still lay, entranced by the sight of Tulip and her Haradian entourage.

[DoctorGamgee]

The Haradrim kept pelting the enemy with figs and bananas. Tulip began a charge when she was distracted by the fire and began searching the weapons being thrown for S'mores fixins...

[Linaewen]

While his trusty rangers dealt with the fire and the suspected arsonists, Faramir pretended to officiously supervise the operation. In reality he was staring in fascination at the mumak and the destruction it was causing in the vicinity. Quite a lot of Haradrim were being trampled underfoot, and Faramir was quick to notice that they were all wearing red shirts.

Ah! he thought to himself. Is this what Boromir meant by not wearing a red shirt? But how did he know I'd be meeting a mumak in the forest...?

Shrugging, he shouted to his men in his most officious, paying-attention-to-what's-going-on voice:

"All right, lads! Now that the mumak has stamped the fire out for us and we have the culprits that started the blaze, let's be off to the safety of our hidden fortress so that we might grill some s'mores -- I mean, question the captives."

Mablung cleared his throat and Faramir looked at him quizzically.

"Captain Faramir, it says in our contract AND in the script that we must slay the mumak before grilling anything."

"Right, sorry. All right, lads. This is take two -- those not wearing red shirts, have at it. The rest of you, watch the prisoners, make sure they don't do anything silly like start a campfire with flares or try to escape until we've grilled them -- I mean questioned them."

"Sir, none of us are wearing red shirts."

"Right, sorry. All right, then, lads. Those of you who are left-handed, watch the prisoners. This shouldn't take the rest of us too long -- after all, how difficult can it be to slay a huge, crazed, rampaging house-like beast...?"

[Primula]

Frodo, whose scruff of the neck was now firmly in the left hand of a Big Person, squawked in protest as he and Sam were carried off towards the 'hidden fortress' wherever that was. "You don't want to grill us! We're tough and...and chewy! And we don't have any marinade! Check our packs, you'll see!"

[daughter_of_kings]

Gollum watched the proceedings from a small hole beneath some ferns, and muttered softly to himself.

"Grill the hobbitses, yes Precious. Roast them, toast them, see how they likes it. Serves nassty hobbitses right, Precious, for spoiling the coneys, yes."

Suddenly, he remembered the Ring, and that if a certain pair of hobbits got grilled, or roasted, or even just questioned, the nasty Men might get their hands on it. He crept out of his hiding place and followed them.

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

Sam would have covered his face with his hands in despair, if he weren't trussed up like a pork loin prepared for roasting. Mmmmm.... roast pork... was Oliphant good for eating? Did it taste like chicken or the other white meat? In the interest of cooking research, he really ought to find out.

"Excuse me? Pardon me? Mr. uh-uh green man? You think we might be dining on that beastie? There ought to be enough to go round. Don't you think?"

[DoctorGamgee]

Tulip had very good ears..they picked up minutae far better than anyone imagined her doing. And an elephant never forgets...especially words like "Elephant Ears" sold on the Disney tour. at the words "Dine on that beastie?" her rather thin skin (for a pachaderm...) began to show wear... she was hurt...she was doing her best work ever for a camera...and now she was being offered up like yesterday's Falafel...She had had enough!

The Rampage which followed was a Kubric-esque montage of violence with the poignant solo trumpet elegy being performed by Tulip herself on her snout. It was an ecclectic mix of Dances of Death. Red-tuniced characters flew about as if on gossamer wings, piruetting mid air to land on top of the saplings which caught them gently, lowered them to the ground, then picked them up again and into each other a la the Fantasia Hippos and Ostriches or akin to the Merrie Melodies failing Acme catapults and straight into the ground...

Meanwhile, everything was fodder for her anger. She even grabbed what looked like an anemic badger wearing a buttflap and flung it after the retreating green-clad forces who wisely ran from her wrath (and the slow-motion perfect arc of this final projectile).

Upon the buttflap-badger flinging, several things happened simultaneously; 2 suit-wearing Animal Protection Enforcement Services(APES) ran onto the stage, but: they were trampled to death by Tulip, who was aware that they were not worried about her pain; CUT was called by the director who (1)Registered a trademark for the use of Buttflap-Badger® and (2) Noted that the line "No Person or Animal was harmed in the making of these films" should be removed from the credits and (3) Established a charity called "Greater Resources for APES" in Hollywood. GRAPES sadly, never kept any lawyer out of trouble....but they sent enough fruitbaskets filled with grapes that the lawyers made Wine and thus they were never sued...