Write Your Own LOTR - Lorien to end of FotR

[DoctorGamgee]

"Crikey," whispered Denny. "I'm way to Disco to do the Bard justice."
Arthur just smiled, and brandishing the spuds, responded to the Captain's Query:

O pray thee, noble captain, stay thy hand!
Perchance that Fortune turns her smiling eye
And shows she favors Lurtz and his brave band
In catching the rapscallion hobbit spy.
For though it seems that we should run apace,
And catch the villians as they try and flee.
The elf it seems yet still will win the race,
For even dancing, none is fast as he.
Thus Fortune, in her wisdom, did see fit,
to trip me by the lace of platformed shoe.
And Arthur in my wake there dust hast bit,
and found a treasure worth a bob or too.
We therefore plan to wait nearby the ships,
And serve up "Arthur's Treacherous Fish and Chips".

[Dínelleth]

After being dropped in the bushes by Aragorn both Pippin and Merry suddenly came back to what passed for their normal senses.

"Merry where are we?" Pippin asked while he stared up into the sky as the last image of a delicious fruitcake disappeared from his mind.

"I don't know Pip," Merry replied. Then he felt something stringy between his teeth and soon he began to pull out several grey threads while wondering where they had come from since the fruitcake he had been eating on had been filled with wonderful goodies.

Meanwhile Legolas was stunned by the impact of a bottle suddenly hitting him which then broke and covered him from head to toe in the sickening smell of cheap mortal aftershave that was usually sold by the gallon. Then as he began to do the Hustle uncontrollably the elf's ever present horde of teenage fan girls began to oooh and aaah loudly while some of them began to swoon at the sight of his handsome lithe body now performing the disco moves in perfect time to the music. After that he was dimly aware that Aragorn was babbling something about having arms and then a long speech about fearing a board while trying to find Frodo. Now the hobbit's name briefly sparked in him the memory of having something else he should be doing but when his fan girls began to squeal excitingly for him to dance again all thought of the Fellowship left his mind. After all who could say no to such an adoring crowd!

[Laiquendi]

"We must get to Frodo before those disco-loving, bard-touting, game-playing, ferocious beasts of darkness get him!" Aragorn said, looking around before finding himself surrounded by 10 disco-loving, bard-touting, game-loving, ferocious beasts of darkness.

"Oh... well, hello there...." He said coyily, edging back slightly and bumping into another DLBTGPFBOD, "Come to these parts often?"

[Primula]

Frodo staggered down through the bushes, falling frequently to take advantage of the force of gravity (it always had been his favorite way of going downhill). The Ring's sugary haze still impeded his view and strands of it kept catching on the twigs and branches around him until looking back up his path it appeared to him as if a child had run a hand thorugh a large wad of cotten candy.

He staggered out onto the shore. Somewhere behind him an incredible racket was breaking out in the woods. He ran to grab up his pack from the abandoned campsite, pausing only long enough to grab all the food he could from everyone else's packs and stuff it into his own. Judging by the noise, the others had discovered some sort of party to crash so he figured they could just graze on the host's hors d'oeuvres trays.

He paused dramatically on the shore, blinking away tears at the thought of missing out on the party...

[Captain-Peregrine]

Lurtz nodded sagely, pretending he had understood every Disco tune uttered from his compatriot's mouth.

"Ah..." he murmured, trying to act intelligent about the matter. "Bringith the halfings to art arms. Brilliant! Doth are most intelligent for imbeciles. But why doth thy stand there slack jawed? Hurry on thy way to complete this plan thou hath most cleverly conceived. Here, takith my keys and thy can borrow sum supplies from the meals-on-wheels car Daddy has stashed in the back of the woods. Meanwhile, I hath must make it lookith like I'm doing something. Thy continue with thy brilliant plan and I shall continue to excercise: and remember if anyone asks, thy idea was mine idea."

Before his companions could object, Lurtz turned and decided to go after Aragorn. The man's stench was easy to follow and even if he didn't catch the dirty human at least it made him look busy. Let the other orcs deal with the blithering halfings.

[Primula]

Frodo stood upon the bank, feeling the wind dramatically waving his curls for a moment before striding forward to choose a boat. To his surprise and mild annoyance, the white hissing noises returned and amid crackles and pops he dimly heard Gandalf's voice once again.

"Just remember..." the fatherly voice intoned, "All we have to do is to decide what to do when we don't remember what we're doing, dooby dooby doo..."

"Gandalf?" asked Frodo turning his head from side to side. He couldn't see anyone, but the voice seemed to come in a little clearer if he tipped his head to the left. He tossed his pack into the boat and began pushing it from the shore.

"And remember," continued the voice, "Always use up the last of that old carton of milk before you open the new one, don't count your chickens before they are hatched and floss at least once a day."

[daughter_of_kings]

Gimli, smouldering in frustration at discovering that Parth Galen did not in fact have wi-fi (nor indeed any other form of internet connectivity), severed his laptop in twain with one fell stroke of his axe, then looked around to see what his companions were about. He found himself alone but for Legolas, who was at that moment surrounded by cooing fan girls and writhing as though he had a live trout in his jerkin.

"Hey Dancing Queen," he yelled at the Elf, "the hobbits! Where are they? Where is Frodo? He won't be staying alive for long if those foul-smelling beasts get their cologne on him!"

[Primula]

Frodo clambered ungracefully into the tipping boat and awkwardly heaved the end of one of the oars over the side to try to paddle, nearly beaning a couple of writhing live trout over the head as he did. A empty cologne bottle floated past. For a place that was supposedly clear out in the wilderness, it sure had a lot of trash.

"....zzzt...ss.....pop...don't wash red clothes with white..." continued the fatherly voice of Gandalf in his head. Frodo grimaced. "...and don't make those ugly faces at people, or someday your face will freeze that way..."

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

Out of breath, huffing and puffing, with no intentions of blowing anyone's house down, Sam burst from the forest onto the shore.

"NO!! MISTER FRODO!! What are you thinkin'?! You'll not make it without me! And you know it! How are you goin' to eat? Cook yourself? HA! You'll starve before this evening!"

Sam eyed the water dubiously, then muttered loudly, "If he makes me go into the water after him, he'll regret it." Then less loudly, "Not much worse than the smell of wet hobbit, not unlike wet dog." Sam wrinkled his nose.

"Hoy! Mister Frodo! I swear I'll drown myself if you don't take me with you, and then you'll be in a real pickle... mmmmm pickles. When was the last time we had pickles? Don't matter none, I suppose. I'm comin' with you!"

Sam began to splash into the water.

"WHOA! It's cold!! This far south you'd think it would be warmer!"

Then he pushed on.

[Primula]

Frodo heard someone who sounded like Sam hollering something about pickles followed by a mighty splash and a very tiny blub.

"Oh no!" he thought, "A giant river-pickle has eaten Sam! Drat, what rotten timing. Here I was going to go off alone, but now I'll have to go back and rescue him. What will I tell his Gaffer when I got back home if I don't?"

He clumsily turned the boat, beating away all the curious trout who seemed to be flocking to the disturbance and reached over the edge, tenatively hunting around for Sam's flailing hands while hoping the pickle wouldn't be strong enough to pull them both in.

Grabbing a good handful of his faithful gardener, Frodo gave a great heave, gasping at the chill of the water as a very cold and soggy Sam flopped into the boat like a sheepdog after an unwanted bath.

"...don't go swimming until an hour after eating....zzzzt....ssss...." Gandalf's voice instructed.

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

Sam shook himself, splattering water everywhere, and gave his master a reproachful gaze.

"What were you thinkin', sir? What if Mr. Gandalf found out? He'd've turned me into something unnatural, sure and certain. Is that anyway to treat your ol' faithful Sam, I tell you. A promise is a promise, and I promised to stick to you like glue, whatever that is, but it's the promise Mr. Gandalf made me make, after I cooked him up some of my biscuits o'course. And what took you so long?! I near drown! My Gaffer would'a had my hide for that ninnyhammer stunt, but you saved me, Mr. Frodo!"

Sam promptly fell on his master's neck and sobbed, and just an promptly stopped.

"So why are we dawdling in the middle of this here lake? Isn't that roaring getting awfully loud?"

[Primula]

"...Never go walking in the woods without a buddy...." the fatherly voice continued as Sam blinked at his Master through dripping bangs.

"Oh Sam!" cried Frodo, momentarily overcome with emotion. His big blue eyes blinked away the river water that Sam had splashed into his face. "You're right, I was going to go to Mordor alone... but somehow I doubt Gandalf would have let me get away with it... And oh, I say - is that a waterfall?"

The Ring, realizing it was this close to getting to go home and also this close to being at the bottom of a river...again... called for what aid it could.

FISSSHBAIIIIIITTTT......... it broadcast to the waters.

Frodo peered over the edge of the boat where the water sort of vanished and a great roaring mist went up. It was odd that the boat wasn't drifting more than it was, near as he could tell they should have been slurped over the edge to their violent watery deaths several minutes ago. "Hey, Sam, look at this! There's simply scads of those lively writhing trout jumping about on this side. I think they're holding our boat back from the falls! In fact, I think they're pushing us towards Mordor!"

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

Sam eyed the fish dubiously, then grinned.

He whispered in Frodo's ear, "We'll let them get us across this confounded lake, and then have ourselves a nice fryup."

[Primula]

Here ends that tome loosely related to The Fellowship of the Ring (i.e. Books I & II, according to Tolkien)

I had to hunt around for something resembling the end - finally decided we'd nip the little beggar in two at the point where Frodo and Sam took off over the lake, leaving Boromir and Co. to their assorted fates.

The Tale Continues under Write Your Own LOTR - Book III