Write Your Own LOTR - Lorien to end of FotR

[Laiquendi]

Aragorn stopped suddenly amongst the creaking trees, his concentration broken by a piercing whistle on the breeze.

"Do either of you two hear something... perculiar?" He asked the two encumbant Hobbits. It sounded rather heavy in the wind, sweet with just a hint of brandy and nuts, which seemed a little unusal for a sound. The waterlog in his ears could be playing tricks, possibly explaining the damp feeling descending down his back.

"Not to bother, I see Boromir ahead. He looks like he is emphatically beseaching to an invisible Hobbit engorged on hallucenogenic fruitcake. Or trying to propose to that large decapitated statue of a horse. Either way, let's go see if he wants to help shave a Hobbit!"

[Captain-Peregrine]

"Blast! Those daft humans keep getting in mine way! Bah! Fine, I shall just waitith them out. One of them hasth got to crack...ith sooner or later. The ring that yonder halfling bears seems too great a treat to pass up." Lurtz mumbled to himself as he watched the idiot Gondorian and the smelly Ranger seperately tromping through the woods, slowly moving toward the bitty ringbearer. Well, he would be patient and wait. Besides, if they chased the little stinker right at him than he could get home all the faster instead of trying to chase him down the length and breadth of Middle-Earth.

Sighing, the Uruk-Hai pulled a magazine out from behind him and sat back to wait. He told his company to take five and they immediately sat down and began playing paddy-cake. Lurtz just rolled his eyes.

Well, at least they were being quiet.

[Linaewen]

Boromir gasped, stared for a moment amazed, and then ran wildly about, seeking here and there among the rocks and trees for the suddenly missing Fruitcake.

"Miserable fruitcake!" he shouted. "Let me get my hands on you! I see your mind -- you will take the Fruity Ring to Sauron on a platter and leave us with nothing but crumbs, of no use to anyone. You have only waited your chance to leave us hungry and defenseless in the wilderness, with no candied fruit to sustain us!"

Catching his foot on a stone, Boromir fell sprawling and lay upon his face. For a while he was as still as if he had fainted from low blood sugar; then suddenly he wept. He rose and passed his hand over his eyes, dashing away the tears.

"What have I said? ' he cried. "What have I done? Frodo, Frodo! ' he called. "Come back! A madness took me, but it has passed. Come back!

I don't even like fruitcake!!"

[Primula]

There was no answer, Frodo did not even hear him. He was already far away, leaping blindly up the hill through a sweet, sticky fog whose tendrils seemed to trail along with him like cotton-candy. He finally staggered up to the top of Amon Hen flailing his arms to beat away the spun-sugar that hung about him in curtains so he could see where he was going.

He ripped a hole in the shining fog and found himself among more broken body-parts and pillars as from some ancient Gondorian landfill. There was a set of steps going up - he clambered up them, gasping, to try to get above the fog. The fog seemed to follow him and all he found at the top was a large set of binoculars mounted upon a thick metal pillar. A sign was etched beneath it requesting the insertion of a penny to see the view.

[Dínelleth]

"9,995...9,996...9,997...9,998...9,999...10,000!" Legolas counted triumphantly out loud while he finished the last of his hair brushing. Then he pulled out a mirror and with a critical eye studied his flowing golden locks that were once again at their height of perfection. Satisfied with what he saw the elf then put his brush and mirror away. It was only after that did he realize that with the exception for the nearby Uruk-hai playing paddy-cake in the bushes and their leader reading a "PlayOrc" magazine he was the only one left by the lake's edge.

But this didn't bother Legolas. He knew that all he had to do in order to find Aragorn at least was to follow the trail of dead birds that had died in the Ranger's odorous wake. However just as he was setting off to do that he then heard on the soft breeze the word FRUUUIIITTTCAAAKKKEEE which made him suddenly stop short. A shiver of dread then passed through Legolas for this could only mean one horrible thing and that was the other members of the Fellowship were in danger of gain unnecessary weight in their rears from that calorie laced dessert thus slowing them down and keeping them and him stuck in this parody of the first movie for who knows how long! So with the new terrifying thought in his mind that he might run out of hair cair products before the ending Legolas took off at a run after Aragorn while being careful not to step on the dead birds...

[DoctorGamgee]

Denny Tario, the third Uruk-Hai from the left, slapped his hands together and rubbed them on his face. His neck encircled with Gold Medalions and wearing orc platform boots with Goldfish in the heels, he breathed in the deep aroma of battle. He launched the bottle of aftershave at the Elf, hitting him squarely and breaking the bottle. Uruk-Hai-Karate covered the elf, who was stunned by the blow.

The elf, suddenly overcome by a Boogie Fever, began to Do the Hustle uncotrollably, his arm pointed alternately between the sky and the ground sending both Ranger and Hobbits ducking for cover.

Denny knew that Commander Lurtz would be angry, but he could not keep himself from doing it. First he was afraid, he was petrified . . .

Meanwhile, overcome by the fumes, Gimli broke into a chorus of "Short People got, no reason . . . " It would have been the end of the tale had it not been for . . .

[Primula]

Fumbling in his pocket, Frodo found no pennies. He did, however, find one in the coin-return slot. Climbing up on a convenient stone step, he dropped it into the slot and peered hesitantly through the binoculars hoping he would see something useful, like whether or not Boromir was chasing him and if his cousins had managed to find anything worth cooking back at the camp...or maybe, if it worked really well, he would be able to scope out Gondor in the distance and see whether or not his fears about the pastry shops held true.

Alas, there were no such things to be seen. The world seemed to have shrunk, like cheap rayon left for too long in the dryer on high, all wrinkled and scrunched it lay before him. There stood the mountains, the rivers, some pointy architecture in the distance and itty-bitty people and horses running around over all of it like an anthill that's been stirred with a stick. Smoke was arising as if from a hundred barbeque parties, tiny flags waving and ships heading out for water-skiing upon the Sea.

Suddenly, there was the Eye. Thankfully, it was busy trying to get a lash out and couldn't focus on him... Somewhere in the distance, he seemed to hear Gandalf's voice telling him something, tinny and through a lot of static. "Take it off! Take it off! Fool, take off the Ring!" In the distance a great shadow, like an arm groped around blindly for him.

"Gandalf?" he said, turning away from the binoculars in surprise. "Is that you?" He was answered only by a blast of white noise. He pulled off the Ring. The huge arm groped past him and the stench of the shadowy armpit nearly knocked him out. It had been a near miss.

"What shall I do? If I take it back to the Company, they will all want it, they'll all turn like Boromir into carbohydrate-crazed fruitcakes! I must be rid of it... They'll be looking for me..."

Once more he put on the Ring and vanished, passing down the hill towards the distant lake.

[Laiquendi]

Aragorn, startled by the boogie wonderland and the prevailing stench of Legolas, dropped both Hobbits unceremoniously in the bushes. His senses assaulted from all sides but yet powerless to resist.

"What is this strange upbeat disco groove thing?" He asked with wonderment, overcome with an uncontrollable desire to flex his hips in ways men were not designed to flex. Thoughts filled his head of flared trousers, short skirts and rollerblades, even though he knew not what they were.

"Quick! We must find Frodo before this infectious weekend evening fever gets him! To arms!"

[daughter_of_kings]

Gimli got to "short people got, nobody to love, nobody to..." and suddenly realized...

"Ha! I've got my Elf-babe, and ooh honey, does she have me!" From an inner pocket he pulled a small scroll tied with three golden hairs. "And I have her email address! I wonder if they have wi-fi around here?" Oblivious to the antics of his companions, the dwarf dug into his pack in search of his laptop.

[Captain-Peregrine]

Lurtz saw the bottle of aftershave fly through the air before he had time to leap to his feet, throw aside his magazine and shout: "Halt thy manners!"

But it was too late and now everyone knew they were bloody well there and he would never finish his magazine. Sighing, Lurtz stuffed it back into his boot and got to his feet.

"It doth seem that our time has commeth to snatcheth the halflings. Away, thy foolish company, and capture a halfling! Findeth the halfings! And... away we go...ith!"

Lurtz took off running through the forest with his merry band of paddy-caking orcs hurrying after him. They really didn't know what they were doing, but at least they were doing it.

[DoctorGamgee]

Denny Tario ran after his commander, Lurtz, but kept tripping . . . Neither Orc nor Human should have to run in Platform Heels with little Goldfish in them.

He got caught up in his friend Arthur's patty-cake game, and both of them headed face first into the ground. Arthur sputtered, flinging dirt out of his mouth. He lifted his hands, and discovered that they were hanging onto the bulbous roots of some strange plant. As Goldie the fish swam in front of his vision, he got an evil, cunning idea.

"Denny" he called. "How about . . . "

Their voices faded into whispers beneath the sound of the Disco Beat.

[agape4rivendell]

Gollum watched the hobbit running down the hill – ah – big googly eyes can be good for something (thought they were just for effect, didn’t you!!!)

He quickly swam across the river – as he neared the western shore, the pungent odour of Orc – yet not quite Orc – more mellifluous, more potent – he started to gag and quickly ducked his head under the water – drowning would be better than this stench – in fact, this was worse than the blueberry stink of the hobbit.

If that creepy little blue-eyed ring-stealing hobbit escapes those stupid lithping creatures, Gollum would have a surprise for him….

He giggled in glee – forgetting he was underwater – and immediately drowned…. Almost.

[Laiquendi]

At the sight of the fleeing Uruk-hai Aragorn was almost relieved. Let Boromir deal with them, he could use the practice, and it wasn't like there were very many of them. He could take a hundred on one arm alone, and still have time to throw a few choice quips at their leader.

However he still hadn't found Frodo yet, and it wasn't like he was hard to misplace, being all short and furry as Hobbit's were won't to be. Like gooseberries, only less green.

With a sigh, he raised his sword high and shouted out to the rampaging Uruk-hai, "If you want him, come and claim him!"

..Wait, that didn't sound quite right.

"You put the lime in the coconut..."

Nope, not that either.

"Cruel beasts of netherworld rais'd up upon thy earthen skin by the temper'd steel of industry, fear now the harshest blade of truth that wields before thine eyes. Fear now thy longing pain of winter's death that whistles in thou ears. Creation's cup has filled with doom, the blood of tears from tender maidens wept. Fear now my sword! And pity that thy woundeth quick or suffer in thine wake!"

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

Sam hadn't got far when he stopped midstride.

"Samwise Gamgee, you're a ninnyhammer, that's what you are. Mr. Frodo's sure and certain to get hungry sooner than later and where'll he find food but at our camp?"

He promptly headed back to camp as fast as his legs would carry him, with his fingers in his ears and singing "Lalalalala" as the words he was hearing from that ever-odd Ranger were too difficult for his poor brain to decipher.

[Captain-Peregrine]

Lurtz ran through the trees and skidded then skidded to a halt, nearly being bowled over by whatever idiots were following after him.

"Halt!" he shouted to no one in particular--and actually there was no one around to shout to. Everyone had run on ahead to finish their game of paddy-cake in the bushes in peace. Blasted henchmen. Couldn't do anything right.

"I fear that mine plan may not workith as I planned...ith. Aye, 'tis a lacking thing to do to race through thy trees after twain and twain halflings."

Lurtz rubbed his rather large jaw with an equally large paw-hand and tried to think of a new plan. He sighed and happend to glance up in time to see two orcs lagging behind--and one of them was rather oddly dressed. Daddy had really fell down on who he was hiring these days.

"Thy twain!" he shouted, wondering if he was even using the word twain correctly. Ah, no matter. It wasn't like anyone could understand him anyway. "Explain to mine ear why thy doth fall behind the rest of mine merry band of bandits? Every soul counts on this 'venture we art on to capture in art midst an unlucky halfling or twain. Thy shall cause us to fall short of art goal! This is not the time to be lagging behind in thine woods wearing thy most improper garb! Explain to mine ear, now, thy blundering fools art else I shall bite my thumb at thee..."