Write Your Own LOTR - TTT - Book III

[Laiquendi]

Awoken from his 570 day slumber by the pointy-end of his own sword, Aragorn felt decided Entish after listening to Legolas' extremely detailed speech on the proper method for maintaining hair volume during inclement weather.

He was sure they was something important about to happen, deep in the middle of Fangorn wood, lost, alone (well, as alone as you could be with a neanderthal dwarf and Middle-Earth's next top model), abandoned to the harsh elements and cruel memory of some all-powerful, fabulously dashing and down-right spectacular author.

"Hobbits!" He cried in sudden rememberance, for those little things were really quite forgettable once you forgot them. "Two of them - one short and furry, the other furry and short!"

"I really think they should have been rescued by now - or maybe they went feral? If only Gandalf were here to explain away events like some sort of exposition master...."

[DoctorGamgee]

I am getting positively Treeish! thought Treebeard. He had gathered up the hobbits, not realizing the hypnotic effect their chewing would have on him. He had gotten his rootlike toes in a blackberry bramble as he dozed on his feet, and the Hobbits, not understanding that he was caught, thought he had found an edible lazy-susan and proceeded to carefully eat the berries off the branches without disturbing Treebeard's slumber.

The whispering of the two, wondering when the new berries were going to burst forth had finally woken him up.

"Hoom-Hoom!" he said as he stretched his limbs and disentangled himself. "Well, my friends, it is time we were off!" he said. If only I could remember where I was headed... the confused Ent thought.

[daughter_of_kings]

A stray beam of afternoon sunlight flung itself through the tallest window of the tallest tower of the Golden Hall and landed with a whooosh on Eowyn's face.

*snor-* Eowyn sat up in bed, blinking grumpily at the cheery sunbeam. Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes (and depositing it neatly in the wastebasket), she went to the window. Faint sounds drifted across the plain from the direction of the Fangorn set... sobbing hobbit, confused Ent, grubby lunatic Ranger. No sign of her beloved Elf Prince coming to rescue her. *sigh*

She tiptoed to the door, opened it carefully, peeked out, listened for a moment. No sign of that slimy worm, Grima, or her dotty uncle, either. *sigh of relief* She made a quick dash to the kitchen for a plate of celery and peanut butter, and a glass of water. Briefly, she considered dipping the celery and PB in chocolate, but then she considered her waistline... her armor had been a bit snug of late... and thought better of it.

Safely back in her room, Eowyn popped Snow White and the Seven Dwarves into the DVD player and settled back under the covers.

Some day my Prince will come, she thought, although at the rate he's moving, I may die of old age before he gets here.

The opening credits began and, humming along with the music, Eowyn fell back to sleep.

[Dínelleth]

Upon hearing his beloved Eowyn's thoughts concerning his tardiness in his mind, a now distraught Legolas instantly ran off towards Rohan.

"I'm coming my Love!" he thought back to her.

Then he suddenly remembered he could not simply leave behind the ranger and dwarf since Merry and Pippin had not been found.

"No wait I can't until I help find Merry and Pippin!" he then thought to her.

So he ran back to his smelly and flaky respective companions.

However, his heart yearned to be by his beloved's side which then caused him to run back towards her.

"I'm sure they are fine on their own! So I'm coming for you my Dear!" he again thought to her.

Yet his sense of duty to the remaining Fellowship had him running back.

"What am I thinking? I can't leave defenseless hobbits out here!...Well there is the ranger and dwarf so they technically would not be considered alone...Dear Eru! Of course they would be! The ranger couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag, and I'm sure the dwarf's flakiness is contagious so he will have to stay away from them...But my lovely Lady needs me! I should go to her now!..."

Eventually he ended up running about in a circle unable to make up his mind as to what to do next.

[Primula]

Poison nose-drops deftly administered, Grima carefully stowed the cord from his patented shock therapy box beneath the throne and pulled aside the grizzly overgrowth of hair to examine his subject.

"Your hair is too dry, my Leige. Perhaps a bit of conditioner before we do your nails," he crooned happily.

[Eruvanne]

Realizing that his sobbing had no effect on the animated tree, Pippin valiantly gathered himself together and restrained from letting the rest of his tears fall. Besides, Merry would call him a sissy and nose-dripper if he saw him crying. The Took had learned early on never to let his friend see him crying, at least over food. Wiping away the last of his tears, Pipipn gazed at his reflection in Treebeard's eyes, one of the perks that tree having reflective eyes. He looked over to where Merry was being held and saw that his friend was fast asleep, snoring even. "My goodness, Merry," Pippin thought, you always pick the strangest places to take a nap."

Suddenly, Treebeard stopped giving the poor Took a bit a whiplash that he did not appreciate in the least. You'd think for a tree he'd have better stopping reflexes. Rubbing his sore neck, he tried to find the reason for the tree giving him such a bad jolt. Pippin looked around Treebeard, as far as could be allowed in his present state, but could see only other trees. Maybe he sees an Ent Wife and's in shock." He looked straight ahead but all he saw a ball of sap sliding ever-so-slowly down a tree trunk. Ok, that's not it. Finally, he looked down and saw that Treebeard was standing in a bramble. Funny place to stop, even for a tree. Hey, what are those dark things? Pippin reached down and brought up the dark thing he had seen. When he saw it, his jaw nearly fell to the forest floor, which a long way down if you're hobbit being held by an Ent. It was . . . a blackberry!

"Merry! MERRY! WAKE UP!" Pippin shouted in a whisper. Not getting any response, he, feeling very guilty in deed, picked a loose piece of bark off Treebeard and gave his friend a good hit in the arm. That got Merry's attention real quick. Before he could shout something, let's just say not very nice, Pippin motioned for him to look down. Immediately, he saw the blackberries as well. Both blessed Treebeard a thousand times for bringing them to truly edible food and began to eat as many of the ripe berries that they could see and reach.

"Merry, do you think the berries will just grow back nice and ripe if we look away for a bit? I've seen it in a lot of videogames off the set."

[DoctorGamgee]

Treebeard looked at the Hobbits covered in Blackberry juice and said:

Now that we have had a snack...do either of you remember where we were headed?

Progress might be made at last, he thought...if only trees had 'drive in windows...'

[Linaewen]

Meanwhile, back at the Anduin, Boromir was preparing for his ghostly appearance to his brother Faramir, who was doing guard duty on the Great River and finding it extremely dull and sleep-inducing. An appearance by Big Brother Boromir when least expected would be just what was needed to teach Faramir not to sleep on the job, and also to let him know about a few other important matters that he should be aware of for the proper continuation of the story.

Looking at his list and checking it twice, Boromir made certain he had everything he needed for a proper showing.

"Boat? Check!
Cloven horn? Check!
Enemies' weapons at my feet? Double check!
Peaceful expression on my face? That will take a bit of work, but I'm sure I can manage it when the time comes. So... check.
Red shirt? Check -- alas!
Note for Faramir? Check!"

Removing another piece of parchment from his pocket, Boromir read it over quickly, nodding in satisfaction, before pinning it to his chest where it could be easily read.

The note said:

Dear Faramir,

Something not so funny happened to me on the way home from Rivendell. I did my best, but the script and my red shirt went against me. It's up to you now, don't let me down. Have fun storming the castle!

Your loving brother,

Boromir

PS. Do not under any circumstance wear a red shirt, no matter what Dad tells you.

Laying down in the boat, Boromir began to artistically arrange himself in preparation for casting the boat loose to head downstream where his brother was snoozing, all unsuspecting. But as he worked, a growing feeling of unsettledness disturbed him and he paused in his preparations.

"What is this strange feeling?" he mused, sitting up in the boat. "I have a strong sense of having done this very thing before! Even my monologue sounds familiar, as if I said this all before. It is simply deja vu -- or have I somehow been caught in a temporal causality loop, where I am repeating the same moment in time over and over again? Can ghosts even be affected by temporal causality loops? If so, how do I escape so that time can move forward once again?"

After a moment of further pondering, Boromir shrugged and lay down again.

"These matters are not for me to worry about; it is for the script writers to deal with. So, where was I? Oh, yes, now I remember!"

Boromir once again arranged himself artistically in the boat and then let the current take him.

"Faramir, here I come!"

[Primula]

Gandalf sat down under a bush in Fangorn to happily unwrap the Special Delivery package the Eagles had so obligingly dropped and which he (thanks to quick reflexes) had not been skewered or flattened by.

ACME WIZARD STAFF, it read on the box. []Grey []Blue [x]White []Brown.

He popped it open only to pause at the sight of several baggies containing heaps of white parts, all spindled in a poorly drawn 'exploded view' picture of how to assemble it.

"Step the First," he read. "Insert the slot B to part A under it. Take up the happiness parts are D and E and apply to the before parts on top of the fast tab to push with thumb."

[Eruvanne]

Being distracted from their berry fest by Treebeard, Merry and Pippin looked up at it. And the tree looked back at them. A bit unnerved by having reflective green eyes that he knew at any moment could shoot out green light staring at him, Pippin began to stammer a bit of nonsense.

"Well . . . uh . . . where we're going right. Um . . . let's see. We could be going . . . to a . . . family get together. . . or a party . . . or a quest to find the ent wives? Maybe . . . possibly . . . probably not?" The more he talked the less his ideas were sounded good.

Embarrassed at his cousin's ineptittude in recalling anything that had occured before the whole blackberry thing, Merry interrupted him before he could make a bigger fool of himself. "Let me see if I can remember anything." He gave Pippin a say-a-word-and-you're-dead look which kept the Took from saying another word. "Let me think a moment now . . . you had given us some *cough* lovely peet moss and Miracle-Gro. Then you dozed for, oh, an hour or so. (It felt like eternity with that peet moss in my mouth, he whispered to Pippin. Pippin smiled and nodded but didn't dare open his mouth.) Then you woke up and told us about young Saruman and how you missed his coming by and compimenting your trees. Then you went back to sleep for an hour more, woke up, picked us up, and walked until you got to this berry bramble where you most graciously stopped and let us feast. And there you have it."

"Entmoot!" Pippin burst out. Merry stared at him in astonishment. He had been thinking for a while that his cousin was losing it but this was the final proof. Pippin had finally gone over the edge and was making things up. He shook his head in silence. "You mumbled something like that when you were taking us here to the feast!" The Took continued. "Don't remember that, Merry?"

"No." Merry stated simply. He didn't want to encourage Pippin in his madness or admit that he had been asleep and had acutally made up the whole part of Treebeard's falling asleep, waking up, and taking them to the berry patch.

"Don't you remember mumbling that, Treebeard?" Pippin gazed hopefully into the tree's green eyes.

[DoctorGamgee]

"Entmoot!" cried Treebeard, almost launching the hobbit into a briar patch as he brought his hand to his forehead. These are a hasty folk, using their abbreviations for such honerable occasions! he thought. Luckily, there was enough sticky berry juice to keep the hobbit from going airborn.

"Well, then..." he said, looking down at his leg, the right one of which was covered with moss. "If moss grows on the north side of the tree," he thought, "and my right one is covered with moss, then I am facing west which is where the Moot-i-nanny will be heard."

"We go this East" he exclaimed and made his way southward.

It took the hobbits three leagues before they convinced him that they were heading in the wrong direction...as the Sun was setting in the South!"


Finally, they were on their way to the Moot-i-nanny!

[DoctorGamgee]

Gimli, beginning to get bored watching the elf doing laps around the campsite muttered, "Found the hobbits yet, Elf boy? Have you checked that circle completely, or do you need a few more passes?"

After waiting for three more circles, the dwarf stood in the path of the oncoming elf and awaited the inevitable word-problem:

If an Elf, moving at 16 miles an hour in a counter-clockwise direction runs into a Dwarf in Mithril Chainmail, will he stub his toe on the Right or Left foot? And if he screams, will the grease in the Ranger's hair allow him from hearing it?

[Dínelleth]

Legolas was so caught up in trying to make up his mind as to what he should do next that he did not see Gimli making himself a mithril speed bump in his path. Therefore, the elf ran full tilt into the dwarf which resulted in him somersaulting head over heels over his fellow hunter.

"OOOF!" Legolas loudly said while he landed hard on his back which knocked the breath out of him.

After that he lay staring wide-eyed and in total confusion up at the sky his mind now a blank.

Then he slowly turned his head so he could look up at Gimli.

"What happened?" he asked.

[DoctorGamgee]

Gimli walked over to the place where the elf was lying. He bent over so that his face was upside down over the Elf's face and said in as calm a voice as he could muster, "While we are all amazed at the lithe legs of an elf who can run leagues without count..." (take a deep breath) "It might prove beneficial if we can give them a DIRECTION! Perhaps into that forest over there, where you were heading before you heard the name of ..." (but at "the name of..." the elf did something truly amazing...)

[agape4rivendell]

'I believe we are caught in some temporal loop. The Mesuseld Mirror's reporter said that Boromir had been caught in one quite some time ago. It must have extended to include us.'

Eothain's brow was furrowed and Eomer sighed.

'Take the moss from your nose, perhaps that will help your hearing. I said, we're stuck.'

He watched in horror as his second pointed to the script writers. Eomer drew his sword and marched to their side. 'Tell me what this means! Why are we just sitting out in the midst of the plains of Rohan - with women in beards - and not doing anything?'

A script was handed to the Third Marshal of the Riddermark who read: 'Horselords disappear into the distance and are not seen again until the end of Act Two, Scene 10,998.'

Disbelief covered the handsome visage of the sister-son of Theoden. He dropped the script and went screaming off into the distance, followed closely behind by his eored and an unwilling Eothain..