Write Your Own LOTR - TTT - Book III

[Laiquendi]

Meanwhile, far far away from the water, somewhere between the deep dark trees and the not so deep but darker trees, a thunderous cry was heard on the wind.

"IT'S NOT A BIG DEALLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!"

Seemingly followed by a great flash of light, sparkling brightly in a handy shaft of sunlight that had penetrated the deep and dark trees. A small huddle of big black foul disco-dancing beasts of darkness suddenly split in two... at the waist... as an indignant Aragorn burst forth with his sword clutched viciously abreast.

"I take offense at being called smelly!" He shouted vehemantly, the sweat glistening on his forehead giving him a healthy glow. "Especially by large, home-grown Uruk-hai! This is pure, cultivated, scent of the wild!"

And with that he took a deep glug of water, then screamed at the top of his lungs again.

"FOR FRODOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

[agape4rivendell]

Gollum pulled himself out of the river, grumbling and sputtering. His hair, what was left of it, fell into his face and he shoved it back. The stupid Hobbit had passed him on the river; Gollum would have to go back, but he needed to catch his breath.

He climbed into one of the remaining Elven boats and hid under a cloak left on the seats. The cloth scratched him horribly. Finally, he could stand it no longer – he threw the thing into the water. When he moved it, he saw a hair brush lying on the bottom of the boat. He picked it up, turning it over and over in his hands. It was definitely of Elven make as it stung his fingers and the wood seemed to reach out and worry his fingers. Long blond hairs stuck to the bristles. He raised it slowly, took a deep breath, and brushed his three hairs. A tingly sensation covered his scalp and he dropped the brush immediately. His hairs waved in the wind and felt heavier. He picked up the brush again and brushed the three hairs – wait! There were now four hairs. He brushed them again and the same tingly sensation coursed through his whole body this time. He now had five hairs and they were growing long and full. He dropped the brush, jumped out of the boat, realizing the Elf’s hair was not magical – it was the BRUSH!

“Ai!” he screamed as he swam towards the further shore. He clapped his hands over his mouth – he had spoken in Elvish! I could not be!!!

– then once again, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!”

[Primula]

Frodo and Sam scooted along the lake very comfortably, propelled by a seething mass of wriggling trout. As they neared the far shore there was an odd noise that came over the water, a thin sort of aiiiiiii!

"Huh. Sounds like some form of Elvish," he said, "but I can't make it out. You think something has happened to Legolas? It sounds like that time he misplaced his hairbrush."

The nose of the boat ground into the eastern bank and began skidding up the pebbly beach as the fish shoved and flopped behind them. Several came flipping over the edge of the boat as they piled up, landing conveniently in Sam's pans.

[Captain-Peregrine]

Lurtz came galloping into the bitty clearing just in time to see the foul-smelling ranger slice a few of his company clear in twain.

Now why hadn't he thought of that...? Oh, right, he was supposed to have brought back the grand majority of the pack alive so that they could work as caterers for Sauron and Daddy. Oh, drat. Now his papa was going to have a fit. Stupid Ranger.

"And Home-grown Uruk-hai art the best!" he growled to himself as he jogged through the woods. But he didn't head for the Ranger--he still couldn't stomach that stink. Instead he ran towards the other bumbling human. He was far less rank and would be easier to take care of--plus that sheild would make the best sled ever. If he got that than winter games would be AWESOME!

As Lurtz ran through the woods he started humming "Winter Wonderland" under his breath.

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

"Don't know for certain, Mr. Frodo, but it's a sound what sure gives one the shivers. And if Mr. Legolas can't take care of himself, there's not a thing you or me could do about it. You know how he dislikes our wash-and-go look."

Sam was only briefly suspicious of the fish flopping in his pans, then shrugged and started a fire beneath the trees, making sure the smoke would dissipate as it wafted through the branches, smugly sure it would not give their locale away.

[Linaewen]

Boromir had searched high and low for Frodo, hoping against hope that he would be able to apologize to the hobbit for his inadvertant fit of high spirits brought on by the thought of fruitcake -- which he didn't even like.

But the hobbit was nowhere to be seen. Instead, Boromir found himself staring at a pack of very scruffy and oddly dressed Uruk-hai, approaching at what might be called break-neck speed. One burly fellow in particular was looking at Boromir's shield with a gleam in his eye, so Boromir had no dobtb that he had been noticed, and if he didn't hightail it out of there quickly, he would be in for a rough go.

Unfortunately, Men of Gondor do not know how to hightail it out in retreat, so after wishing briefly but heartily for a magic ring of invisibility, Boromir drew his sword and made sure his grip on his shield was extra tight.

"I hope there aren't any hobbits around here who need protecting," he grumbled under his breath, as he brandished his sword. "Looks like I'll have my work cut out for me just keeping my gear out of the hands of these pesky Orcs!"

[Dínelleth]

Now it was Gimli's calling him a "Dancing Queen" which snapped Legolas back to the present and to stop his disco routine much to his fan girls dismay. Then just as he was about to retort to the dwarf that he wasn't one his sensative elvish hearing then picked up first the soft scratching sound of brush bristles against a nearly bald scalp which was then followed by a faint voice wailing in elvish down by the lake. Suddenly his heart was filled with fear for he realized that someone was messing with his hair brush!

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" he cried back in rage while running off in that direction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile Merry and Pippin who had been wandering about aimlessly till they finally came upon Boromir as if on cue just as the man grumbled about them needing protecting while a pack of very scruffy and oddly dressed Uruk-hai advanced towards him.

"Go for it Boromir!" Merry called out enthusiatically.

"Un...Merry," Pippin began hesitantly. "I don't think he should."

"What do you mean?"

"Well in most of the Star Trek tv shows anyone wearing a red shirt usually died and Boromir's tunic is red."

"Pippin!"

"Well it's true!"

"But none of the writers who worked on that show are here now so Boromir will be just fine!" Merry said firmly while he turned his attenion back to the man from Gondor.

"I hope you're right," Pippin murmured as he to began to watch the drama before them unfold.

[DoctorGamgee]

Meanwhile, at the banks of the river, a strange sight was beheld . . .

The ribbon cutting ceremony at the Arthur's Treacherous Fish and Chips stand was interrupted by two terrifying events. First, a shrill peeping came to their ears and suddenly, an entire vat of filets jumped out of the hot oil and headed for the river. This was instantly followed by the wailing of an elvish scream and the pungent smell of Rogaine wafting from the same direction.

"Odds bodkins!" cried Arthur. "By the pricking of my toes, something fishy that way goes! We must prepare, Denny. Turn on the Neon sign and get the fan plugged in to waft the smell towards the woods before the health inspector shows up! We must ensnare the hobbits with the scent of their favorite deep-fried goodness. we must away; the game's afoot!"

[Linaewen]

Meanwhile, the Valar were observing the coming battle...

Feeling a keen sense of confusion upon hearing the words Star Trek and Redshirt, the Valar thought it wise to check the Script of What Ought to Happen, and still being confused, since the next page was missing, they decided to bring in outside advisors. This did little to allay their confusion, however, because there seemed to be a difference of opinion among the Star Trek script writers they consulted in their wisdom. Some were of the opinion that wearing red meant automatic gruesome death for the nonessential member of the Fellowship, while others were adamant that this was an old-fashioned interpretation, and that Red (or to be specific, Wine-colored) was the color of Command.

Either way, Boromir was in trouble.

No matter what color his tunic -- which happened to be Burgundy -- he still had more Orcs than he could shake a sword at coming right for him.

[Laiquendi]

"Ahah!" Shouted Aragorn as he ran amid the trees chasing the screaming Uruks before him.

"Come see my fabulous jacket! It's black, with a dash of brown, two shades of green, a speck of white, a rather homogulous lump of deep ketchup, a slightly wavey smudge of horse-radish, some mild speckling of a miscellaneous purple vegetable, and a whacking huge great golden letter A stitched on the pocket! It's my amazing technicolour dreamcoat!"

[agape4rivendell]

Gollum heard the Elven voice raised in anger and his terror knew no bounds - he dropped the brush - inadvertantly in the water - and started shaking - he had seen Elves angry before - knew the horror they could inflict -

Why? Why had he touched the brush? The blond hairs should have told him that it was the Elf's property! And now he had dropped it in the water. If the Elf EVER found him - he would be strung up in that hideous forest - and left for spider bait OR he would be strung up by one toe and left hanging about Rauros Falls with a feather tied to a line tickling him for all eternity!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii he screamed again! It was too much - he dove into the river and swam towards the other side. The water might cleanse him off the effects of THE BRUSH......

[Dínelleth]

Swift and graceful as a deer was Legolas as he ran through the forest toward the lake while his mind was filled with vengeful thoughts towards this unknown person who dared messed with his hair brush. After all it was a well known rule through out Middle-earth that it wasn't wise to come between an elf and his hair brush. So when the elf reached the lake shore where the one remaining boat waited he had Twangy his bow nocked with an arrow so he could show this person the consequences of ignoring the rule. However it became quickly apparent to him that the person was no longer there and Legolas's heart fell when it also appeared that the person had taken his brush too. Then he spied it lying in the clear shallow water next to the boat.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the elf cried out in fear while he quickly plucked it by its handle from its watery resting place. After that a tear rolled down his fair face. "How could that person drown you like that?!" Legolas sniffed while he stood watching the water drip from the soggy ruined bristles of his beloved brush as he held it out before him. For the time being the elf was lost in grief...

[DoctorGamgee]

**Voice over by the ghost of Jaques Cousteau**
It was determined by ecologists of the Fourth Age during the Rule of Aragorn's son Eldarion (Commonly referred to as "Dreadlocks the Younger") that the immersion of the enchanted elven hairbrush in the waters of the Aunduin is the reason that all catfish found below the Falls of Raurous have whiskers, while the catfish in the upper plain are clean-shaven.

[daughter_of_kings]

Gimli took one look at the horde of now-abandoned fan girls. They took one look back, through eyelashes no longer batting, but bristling, and Gimli realized that (not having Elven hearing) they had not noticed the scream from the river, and blamed him entirely for Legolas running off. They were rapidly turning into an angry mob. Now, no dwarf ever backs down from a fight, but just at that moment he heard the Elf cry out again, and quickly decided that his friend needed help more than he needed a battle. He therefore beat a hasty retre... er, path to the river.

[Primula]

Absolutely stuffed to the gills with pan-fried trout, Frodo contentedly tossed one more handful of fishbones onto the growing pile by the shore and patted his stomach.

"Well, if this is our introduction to Mordor, maybe this won't be so bad after all, eh, Sam? What do you say we go ahead and toddle on up the hill to have a lookabout? Besides, we don't want the others to see us, or they might try to follow. Just wait 'til I tell you what happened to old Boromir... by the way, you wouldn't happen to have any desserts with you, would you?"

"....fzzt....pop.... keep your elbows off the table...." Gandalf's voice dimly intoned.