Write Your Own LOTR - TTT - Book IV

[Primula]

"Hey!" protested Frodo as he was dragged along by one arm, his backside alternately bumping over grasses and splashing through puddles. "HeeeEEEEEEEEY!" he modified with a squeak as several Gnats of Unusual Size grabbed onto him making him slightly airborne.

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

"None o' that, now, Mr. Frodo! Stop muckin' about! If we don't hurry, the chocolate will all be gone. You know how it disappears, as if... as if... by magic! Must be made by the Elves, after all."

Sam gave a tug -- or was that tig? Be that as it may, Sam yanked on his master's arm, endeavoring to wrestling him from the GoUSes.

[daughter_of_kings]

As it happens, Gnats of Unusual Size like a good game of Tug... or Tig, as the case may be. According to their rules, a tug could only be answered by another tug or a double tag. They chose the latter. Two GUSes swooped at Sam...

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

With one hand still firmly holding onto his master, Sam whipped out one of his pans with the the other hand and took a swing at the GoUSes.

[daughter_of_kings]

The GUSes dove into barrel rolls, spinning off on either side of Sam and circling around, following the GUS proverb: if at first you don't double tag, fly fly again.

[Primula]

Frodo ducked as Sam's pan whipped past his head so close he could hear it ringing in the wind. He honestly wasn't sure what was worse, being nabbed by gnats or being nearly nobbled by a piece of hefty cookware.

[daughter_of_kings]

The gnats that had hold of Frodo gave another heave-ho with their unusually-sized wings...

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

"NO!" roared Sam, "He's mine, you miserable beasties!" He gave a tugged on Frodo's foot like hauling in that particularly feisty trout in the Water.

Then Frodo's foot slipped from his fingers. Sam's eyes grew wide, then his chin began to quiver....

[daughter_of_kings]

...as he watched Frodo fly away in the general direction of Mordor, carried along by half a dozen happily buzzing GUSes.

(This was much to the disgust of the Dead Marsh, who had instructed the gnats to drop Frodo in the gooiest bit of swamp. But gnats aren't very bright, and are inclined to be distracted, and they were having so much fun with their new toy that they completely forgot their instructions. So, you see, Frodo wasn't the only one who got carried away, if you take my meaning.)

[Primula]

"Waaaaaaaaaah! Hieieieieie!" shrieked Frodo in a very immature manner, but then, he'd never really received any proper instruction in Hobbit School about How to Conduct Oneself Whilst Being Transported Via Giant Gnat. Or if he had, he'd slept through it just like he had most of the other lessons.

The Marshes slipped past with alarming speed and he wondered if he would ever see Sam (or Gollum) again!

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

Quick as a wink, Sam fished out his trusty Elvish rope. At last! His roping practice would be put to good use. With a hi-ho-Silver... *had to say somthin' and it seemed like a good idea at the time* Sam lassoed his master and dragged him back to earth.

[daughter_of_kings]

The GUSes might have dragged him back into the sky, but just as they began to tug their attention (so easily distracted) was grabbed by a pair of humans who had wandered (deliberately, or so it seemed) into the swamp. The Gnats dropped Frodo like last season's shoes, to chase after Buttercup, who shrieked prettily, and Westley, who pretended they didn't exist.

[DoctorGamgee]

It was then that something totally expected occurred ....*

They began as'will-o-the-wisp' type of lights that danced at the perifiery of the watcher's vision, leading them to nowhere. Or at least that was the plan. However (as we have seen in numerous cases in this story) they were not as they appeared to be. Upon closer inspection the travelers found themselves forced to navigate between what could be described as nothing other than overturned barrels painted a grotesque and vibrant orange color. The edges of the barrels had overturned glass mason jars which held groups of fireflies which winked and glowed in the eerie blackness of the night away south and beyond the horizon.

The ground between the Barrels, though winding and often changing lanes for no apparent reason, was smooth and black, and level with few irregularities. But unlike worn paths in the wilderness, this road was divided in the middle and had lines painted along the sides. It was unnatural, but efficient, like much of the work of the enemy.

Beside the road were two signs. The first was a larger one with pictographs. Arrows indicated that the next exit would bring them to a large black gate, behind which gleamed the baleful Eye of the enemy, and a picture of some grossly painted Turkey with someone astride it (this puzzled the hobbits quite a bit, never having been to a city large enough for an airport). Attached to this large pictograph was a smaller sign which said "tiyr stunokiys nibet ub actiub"**

"This must be the work of the enemy" they thought, but as the road was paved and free from the jagged rocks they had been dealing with since they crossed the river, they followed this path of least resistance...


*--When have you ever taken a trip and not found yourself in the middle of road construction?
**--had they been able to read the black speech, they would not have understood it anyway. It stated simply, "Your Stimulus Money in Action"

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

Sam shook his head ruefully. "Don't bode well, Mr. Frodo. We're not in Kansas, anymore."

[Primula]

"Kanzas?" Frodo wondered vaguely which of the many places they'd passed through had been called 'Kanzas'. It sounded Dwarvish to him, probably someplace back by those mines, in which case why in the world was Sam maundering on about it now? That swamp air must have addled him. Frodo settled for nodding in the 'understanding' way he might address a forgetful Gaffer. "Of course, Sam, of course."

As they walked he pondered the signs and the neverending rutted, twisting line of cones and bottles. They carefully crossed places where holes appeared to have been randomly dug in the path and then covered back up again with old planks, then began negotiating a 'detour' around a hill of gravel, Gollum still trailing off behind them grousing about the 'nasty black road'.

"This is ridiculous," Frodo grumbled. "With all this construction, I'm wondering if that darn Gate is even open this time of year. This is worse than the Brandywine Bridge in summer! Let's climb up this gravel and take a look."

He began scrambling up the heap.