Write Your Own LOTR - TTT - Book IV

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

Sam shook Frodo unmercifully. "Wake up, sir! Wake up!! There are flying monkeys headed this way!"

[DoctorGamgee]

Angmar was not in his right mind...the air, unobstructed by the gate-checked crown on Pokey's accelerating back blasted over the spot where Wings was down waiting for his rider, Clyde, to deposit the Barf-Bag in the bushes. He missed the red-lines approach and broke the sound-barrier right over Shelob's Lair.

"There will be Heck to pay for that when I return" he thought...

[DoctorGamgee]

Beneath the stairs of Cirith Ungol, Shagrat stood in the shadows of Shelob's Lair when he heard the sonic boom which set the gossamer chandeliers swaying too and fro. He knew this would upset Her Ladyship, and feared what would come of it. It was never wise to anger Her Ladyship before one of her little 'entertainments' and he could hear her scurring down the passage towards him. It was going to be a looooong night...

[Primula]

Frodo groaned in protest as his head bobbled around on the ferns. He bleared up at Sam's anxious face.

"Unless those flying monkeys can be made into a brace of Monkey Sandwiches with a bit of cabbage on the side, I'm not sure I care..." he mumbled. "Why doesn't this park at least have a someone who sells hot dogs or something?"

[agape4rivendell]

"Stupid Hobbitses."

"Nice Smeagol hides so Hobbitses anger Angmar."

"Chases away filthy rabbits. Hobbitses starve and die. We gets the Precious. Not wait for HER."

"Flying Monkeys! Must pay toll else Angmar take Precious."

"Stupid Hobbitses. We hates them, we does!"

[DoctorGamgee]

Angmar got a mental whiff of Saurkraut from ahead, and if he wasn't mistaken, there was a small chirping "Cheep" on the wind...could the Ring be getting louder as he few away from Cirith Ungol? He leaned forward in excitement...

This was a bad move on his part as his knees got tangled up in Pokey's outstretched wings at precisely the same time as a chilling screech came from the direction of the Horse King's land, and this unfortunate juxtaposition caused the wingéd beast to ... well ... let's just say that NOW we all know where the phrase "scared the Poop out of him" began...

[Linaewen]

Faramir was jostled out of a sound sleep by a shaking that rattled his teeth.

"Morning already?" he muttered groggily.

"'Tis well past morning, Captain," replied Mablung testily. He had been shaking Faramir for some time, trying to awaken him. "In fact, it has been days -- even longer -- that you've been asleep, and it is high time you snapped out of it. I realize it was a strain for you seeing Captain Boromir dead in the boat with that cryptic note about scripts, red shirts and storming the castle pinned to his chest, but sleeping is no way to deal with things."

"How long have I been asleep?" Faramir queried. "Feels like years!"

Mablung simply glared at him.

"It was years," he muttered, as he handed Faramir a shirt to put on. "Here you are, sir. Please make yourself presentable. The men await you. They are eager to report on some strange doings in Ithilien that will need your personal attention."

"That's not a red shirt, is it?" Faramir asked suspiciously. His eyes were still blurry from oversleeping. "Boromir told me specifically not to wear a red shirt. I do not understand the meaning of this strange injunction, but it seems fitting to honor his last request, even if it is an odd one."

Mablung assured him that there were no red shirts to be had on the premises, and Faramir was satisfied.

"Very well, I shall be with you shortly," Faramir said, trying not to yawn. "While I am dressing, please find me some coffee. Starbucks if we have it, and make it double strong!"

***

Note to the Reader: Ghostly Boromir's note to Faramir is explained in the following post:

http://lotrfanmb.com/msgbd/viewtopic.ph ... 884&t=3041

[Primula]

Frodo lay on the ferns and squinched his eyes shut. "I refuse to wake up unless I get some food!" he muttered with toddler-like defiance to the big, mean world-at-large.

[DoctorGamgee]

Angmar was so distracted by the sudden corkscrew motion of the winged beast that he totally missed that he had flown over the creatures below. By the time he righted himself, he had lost the scent of kraut and decided to head home...those who evaded the toll usually paid dearly at Shelob's Lair a few miles down the road. And with his sonic boom so recent, he was sure the price exacted would be grim...

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

Sam threw up his hands, and fetched a wheelbarrow, handily close by. What he wouldn't give for a Holocaust cloak. He had a feeling they'd need it before this "adventure" was over.

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

After a warning from one DrG, about a Nazgul one aisle over, in the Lowe's garden center, Sam hefted Frodo into the wheelbarrow and double-timed it to... wait...

Sam whispered, "Mr. Frodo, where are we headed, again?" Under his breath he mumbled, "Please let it be IHOP."

[agape4rivendell]

"IHOP! Gollum. Gollum. No nice crunchy birdses at IHOP."

He slithered under the wheelbarrow and let the air out of the tire. (Give me a break, folks. How else...)

Okay. I got another idea.

He slipped a wad of wriggly worms under the wheel and the barrow slid sideways, depositing Frodo into a thorny bush. In the midst of his dance of glee, Gollum also slipped and fell next to Frodo. The thorns prickled his tender skin. He screamed and ran.

[DoctorGamgee]

The times were dangerous. Dr.G and Ladyhawk Baggins had been looking for trouble, and BOY HOWDY had they found it. They had forsaken the D-I-Y anonymous meeting when they saw the flyer for LOWES Wild Wysteria Weekend which had the plants, the arbors, the fine soil, compost and even colored mulch all at 50% off. Their friends made futile attempts to step in: Primula's well meaning attempt to thwart them fell when she got her first whiff of Gardenia at the door, and poor Agape had fallen for a self-rocking glider for the back porch on clearance. The forces of Darkness, so close to the black land, were at the zenith of their power. Rosie, after her planting frenzy ("Corn! More Corn!" she kept calling.) had finally collapsed in a wheelbarrow and been left for a few minutes until the sprinklers got Dr.G's glasses wet and he went in search of her for a hanky. Try as he might he couldn't wake her, even after dumping her out of the Barrow!

As he rounded the corner on the way to the bathroom, looking for a towel to wipe his glasses on; he had just pulled himself away from a Topiary Rose Bush in the shape of a Mumakil which would have made the gaffer proud on the back porch, when he saw the airsick Nazgul toss his barf-bag in the wastebasket and head for Aisle 5, where the winged beast was trying on mudflaps with Shelob's Lair spelled on them in Rhinestones. He scurried back to tell Rosie when he saw cousin Samwise taking the WheelBarrow around the corner towards the back lot...He shouted to Sam who got the message and headed away from trouble, but how could Dr.G, Ladyhawk, Prim, Roise, Agape, and any other Ringers keep the Nazgul from ending the story right here?!?!

The brilliant idea came from DoK, who said two simple words: Flash Mob.

As the Nazgul came around the corner heading to the garden section, he was stunned by what he saw. It was a cross between STOMP's rhythmic beat, Glee's Dance Moves, and the La Cage aux Folles Dance Sequence all choreographed by Denny Tario who had not left the studio following his Scene with Lurtz and run in from Lot B.

All of the separate moves of this complex performance cannot be contained in this parody, but Lai and Prim's performance/homage of Elton John and Kiki Dee singing "Don't go breaking my heart!" were standouts, and Ladyhawk's soulful version of "May it be" left no eye dry.*

During the sobbing, DoK slipped an anti-theft strip she had peeled from a package of batteries into the fold of the Nazgul's robe. By the time that Stinky had gotten through the store security barrier, paid the impounding fee for having a Wingéd beast in public without a leash, and listened to Sheriff Buford T. Justice's lecture on using Molasses for Barbecuing...the trio were long gone and forgotten.

*The complete tale of this Flash Mob is told in the "Unwanted Tales of DoctorGamgee" edited by G-minor, with a forward from Laiquendi.

[Primula]

Frodo had no idea what was going on and began to highly suspect those ferns had instead been something slightly hallucinogenic. "Sam," he said very carefully. "I was just dreaming you had a wheelbarrow. And now I'm all prickly. Do you think it could be an allergic reaction?"

Sitting up with a sigh, he surveyed the patch of thorns sourly. "Even the ferns around here aren't any good. Look at these! All dried up and pointy. And I'm STILL starving."

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

"Aller--what? What are you talking about Mr. Frodo? It's thorns you've been dumped in, thank to that nasty stinker. I warned you, sir! I warned you! Didn't I? I did!"

Sam hauled Frodo out of the thorn bushes, pulled the thorns that stuck, and slapped the spots to ease the stinging... well, it worked, didn't it?

"Right, then. Food." Sam shoved Frodo under the bush, instead of in the bush, and went hunting for the nearest hotdog stand.