Write Your Own LOTR - Lorien to end of FotR

[Primula]

Frodo gaped up at Boromir as he prattled on about clothing - The Man's nostrils were flaring with his passionate speech, and it distracted him so that the full import of those words took a moment to sink in.

Go to Gondor. Go to the city, where visions of food and doughnuts danced in his head. Doughnuts.... crullers, apple fritters all glazed with crinkly sugar, jelly doughnuts oozing raspberry and lemon, fluffy eclairs, buttermilk twists, maple bars, sugared doughnuts... in his mind a great wheel of dough began to grow, warm and humming its song of pleasure to the tongue... he found his hand creeping up to clutch at the little doughnut that lay so sweet about his neck on its chain...

Wait. Chain? The Ring hummed happily, filling his soul with virtual carbohydrates. It squeebled at him. Or was it squeebling at Boromir? The Man would want doughnuts also... once he had his fancy clothes, he would take it, take it and hide in the shops of Gondor and eat all the doughnuts himself without the shopkeepers ever being able to see him...!

And besides, if he, Frodo, didn't take it to Mordor would there even be doughnuts...? Would not the armies of darkness eat them all and leave only lard-ridden stale day-olds for them as slaves? If he failed to destroy the doughnut...er, Ring, would Sauron claim all the pastries for himself?

He shook his head decisively.

"It would seem like wisdom but for the warning in my stomach. Besides, Gandalf and Elrond said we should go to Mordor, to get rid of this doughnut...um, Ring. Were you not at the Council? Didn't you see the dessert trays there? There will be no more dessert trays or fancy clothing if we don't get rid of this thing while we have the chance! Yet, I am glad to hear you speak, for my blood-sugar is higher and I am thinking more clearly now."

[agape4rivendell]

"Wretched men, horrible hobbitses... Bless us and splash us, my precioussss!"

Gollum swam as fast as his spindly little arms could take him to the eastern shore of the Anduin... not even the Precious could keep him on the western shore - the stench was unbearable... first that stupid hobbit flying about and spreading the smell for miles, then that sodden ranger - it was more than a poor Stoor could handle... even one of 600 plus years!

When the miserable creature got to the other side, he checked his pockets to make sure he had lost nothing... fishbones, goblins' teeth, wet shells, a bit of batwing, a sharp stone to sharpen his fangs on, and other nasty things were all still there.

"Nasty hobbitses - we hates them all They smell up everything."

He put his hand to his nose... "We will wait, my preciousssssss. They will have to leave there too - too smelly - too icky... ah, the precious will be ours - all ours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Ladyhawk Baggins]

Sam was growing weary of twiddling his thumbs. Where could his master be? Perhaps he ought to go check on him, just in case, not that he was spying or anything. Truth be told, it would be a relief to be able to breathe some fresher air, even his old Gaffer never let off a stench like this. But he had been told to wait. Then again, when did he do what he was told?

[Laiquendi]

Aragorn sniffed the air discreetly, hoping to smell this thing so foul that everyone else seemed to be moaning about.

He caught a slight whiff of honeysuckle on the breeze, intertwined with the fine mist of water thrown up from the nearby torrent. Ahh.. nature.
The heady musk of the snoozing Dwarf mixed with the strong clodden smell of mud floated in from the east. A delicately scented lavender and ylang-ylang whafted off the preening Legolas, which was odd since he didn't even think lavender existed yet.
A strangely appealing mixture of chocolate and mushrooms drifted off Merry and Pippin, with a small amount of methane still hanging about the latter.
Sam seemed to be covered in a very strong and salty layer of sweat, almost making him gag as it flared his tender nostils. However, he smelled nothing else so foul and unpleasant.

No, wait..

There in the distance. A slow and twirling pattern of something hidden amongst the vibrant foliage. Something quite... unearthly. He sucked air rapidly through his nose in a great vacuum, letting the smells rest tantilisingly amid the nose hairs. In the woods there was a definite new smell, and it wasn't alone. If he had to label it he would possibly call it light asphalt mixed with exfoliating mud and peppermint, with just a dash of baking soda.

"There's something tasty in those woods!" He shouted out excitedly.

[Primula]

Frodo looked with growing alarm at Boromir, who seemed struck speechless before him. Growing uneasy, he edged away from the Nose of the Ancient King and tried to casually stroll to a nearby giant stone finger until it was between him and the tall Man.

The Ring, annoyed at being taken away from its intended target, began to bounce most annoyingly on its chain and hummed a little Gondorian tune.

[Captain-Peregrine]

Lurtz led his company through the trees, sneaky-like. For once his company was pretty much silent, though you could never avoid stepping on one of those darn dried tree branches.

And then someone started to sing, quietly, under his breath:

"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's offtofetchtheringandbringittoSaruman we go."

Lurtz rolled his eyes.

"Doth stupidity know no bounds?" he groaned to himself.

But at least they were getting closer. One of the four Hobbits had the Ring and so there was a one in four chance that the direction they were going was the right one. Grumbling to himself, Lurtz continued to push through the trees.

[Silivren Ithildin]

Pippin wondered if there was any tiny morsel of food left in the bottom of his pack and had been checking the situation out for a good few minutes when he found to his disappointment, it was alas, bare of food. Quickly stuffing all his assorted junk back into his pack, he wandered over to Merry.

In a quiet aside he asked his cousin, "Hey, Merry, do you have any small bit of food left to share with your poor starving cousin?"

[Dínelleth]

It took considerable effort on Merry's part to tear his eyes away from Legolas who was still brushing his hair when Pippin asked if he had any food.

"I wish I did but I don't," Merry replied. Then he quickly changed the subject by eagerly asking Pip "Have you noticed all the fan girls that have been following Legolas around since we left Rivendell? I bet I could gather quite a crowd of them too if my hair was like his. What do you think?"

[Silivren Ithildin]

Pippin's jaw just about hit the ground hearing Merry's question.

"Well, Merry", Pippin replied, "since I have been trying to ignore all the fan girls following and ogling after Legolas, I really haven't thought much about it. I think it would be both flattering and a bit irritating to be so adored. And, since you are a Hobbit with short curly hair and not likely to suddenly sprout long, straight blond hair, I really don't think this is something you are going to have to worry about. Course if we happen to find a all night wiggery somewhere you may have a chance to find out what it would be like. Oh, and it wouldn't hurt if you sprang up to twice your height too!"

Muttering to himself, Pippin said, "Boy, Merry's losing it and Gandalf isn't here to call him a "Fool of a Brandybuck!". It's just not fair!"

[Laiquendi]

"Fool of a Brandy glass!" Aragorn boomed in a deep voice from behind Pippin. Although he wasn't quite sure what a glass of brandy had to do with anything, the look of shock on Pippin's face was more than worth the wait.

"'Tis not only Elves that can hear in the dark, my young Hobbit." He said with a wink.

[Captain-Peregrine]

Lurtz heard a booming voice in the distance and he and his buddies shrank down into the grass.

"What the bloody dickens was that?" Lurtz muttered, then realized with horror that his Shakespearean accent had fled momentarily. Cursing, he quickly tried to reassemble it before anyone found him out for a fake.

"Ach! What... er... what socerer doth coat the air... ith with thy screaming voice?" he asked himself and not even he knew quiet what he said any more.

Ach, he would be happy when he had those fool halflings and he could go back home.

[Dínelleth]

Merry nearly jumped out of his skin with fright when he suddenly heard Aragorn's booming voice calling him a "Fool of a Brandy Glass" from behind Pippen. Now this angered the hobbit for he felt like he was getting no support from his cousin regarding his idea to change his hair style and the smelly eavesdropping Ranger was loud enough to wake the dead. So after Aragorn had told Pippen that not only Elves could hear in the dark Merry then said sarcastically "If that's the case then you just let anyone within a twenty mile radius know where we're at!"

[Laiquendi]

Aragorn stared down at the moaning Hobbit, thinking how much effort it would be to hold him down and quick-shave his head. Hmmm.... maybe it wasn't be such a bad idea after all.

Within seconds, Aragorn had lept on the unsuspecting Pippin and pinned him to the ground with one of Glorfindel's patented bear-grappling techniques. Reaching into his belt he removed the long hunting knife from its sheath and watched the light from the blade dance in Pippin's face.

"Now if you just hold still this shouldn't hurt a bit...." He said with a wicked grin on his face as he leaned in for the kill.

[Linaewen]

A faint tuneful humming finally broke through Boromir's daze. He had been knocked for a loop by the fact that Frodo had actually not been persuaded by his impassioned and very persuasive arguments, and was still bent on taking the Ring to Mordor -- not to mention bypassing all the sweets in Minas Tirith.

Boromir closed his mouth (which must have been open for some time, because his tongue was quite dry) and after thinking for a moment, attempted once again to persuade the hobbit.

"You say there will be no dessert trays or fancy clothing if the Ring is not destroyed. Gandalf and Elrond have taught you to say so! Is it not more likely that Sauron will simply take the Ring from you, like taking candy from a baby?"

Frodo did not seem to be persuaded, so Boromir tried another tack.

"You seem, Frodo, ever to think only of the Ring's power in the hands of the Enemy -- of the evil uses that will deprive us of dessert trays and fancy clothing. But what of its uses for good? We of Minas Tirith have been staunch defenders of the right to eat as much as we please and dress in our best for any occasion, through long years of trial. We only desire the strength to defend that right -- a just cause! But if the Ring goes to Mordor, Sauron will surely take it from you, and all our striving will be for naught and I will never have the opportunity to dress like a king instead of in these old raggedy rags."

The humming grew louder and Boromir recognized the tune to an old song he had loved as a child -- though the words seemed oddly different than he had remembered...

"Rings on his fingers and bells on his toes,
And he'll be invisible wherever he goes..."

Invisible! he thought. That's the answer! If I had the Ring, I could put it on and be invisible and no one would see the wretched state of my ragged clothing.

Boromir moved nonchalantly closer to Frodo, as close as he could come with a giant stone finger set between them.

"Uh, Frodo, it just so happens I have a plan, and it just so happens that to make this plan work, I need to borrow your Ring for a short time. Will you lend it to me?"

[Primula]

There was a strange gleam in Boromir's eye, a golden reflection of the singing, bouncing Ring. Frodo glared down at the unruly piece of jewelry and smacked it. It ignored him and continued humming - if anything it seemed to grow louder. He firmly muffled it under his palm though he could feel his entire hand vibrating from it as it tried to be heard.

"Nooo...." he said, looking up with alarm at the ragged, smelly, lordly Man towering over him. At more than twice his height, no doubt he would be many times Frodo's appetite in doughnuts. Not a shred of dough...er, hope would remain... He edged around and put the finger between them.

"I think I better keep it... thanks... you look like you need to watch your carbs anyway..."